Sometimes things spill out: what’s real isn’t pretty.

Man if I could tell my younger self about me right now my younger self would be speechless.

in all honesty I’ve been at a loss for words when I think about myself. You guys I’ve had hard times where I thought I was broken but I’ve never been in a place where it couldn’t recognize myself enough to put the pieces back together.

truth is ive dealt with so many emotionally traumatic events within the past 5-6 years Im surprised its taken this long for me to crack up a little. I remember the day I realized how trifling people are and the extent they would go to make sure I was disliked and create discord in my social environment, dealing with marital issues (thank God that’s getting better), having complete fall outs with family that cut so deep I was thrown into therapy, finacial struggles, and now my body is doing its own thing. Ya’ll a mess is what I was but I always had a moniker of strength and a little bit of hope that I would be okay, but this time is different.

After taking mental, emotional, and spiritual beatings for years my body is starting to tell the story  and that brought shame and sadness. We often hear that stress is a silent killer and boy is it a wrecking ball over here. I never thought that I would be dealing with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks so frequent that it would cause a major shift in who I am and who I identify as.

I’m no longer strong enough and I can’t take on the world nor do I want to to be honest. and let’s be honest the world we live in is terrifying right now. its literally the bible in living color and omg that doesn’t help. (listen, I know im a saved sanctified Christian and I know the Bible says we will have days like this but honey its a crazy thing to bare witness up close and personal and realize nothings going change it and its going to get worst)

I haven’t written in a while because I’m going through it right now and I haven’t come out on the other side yet so I don’t have a solution. Here, when I share, I like to provide you with solutions to issues but this time I don’t have one. Throughout this process I am learning that it is okay to share and not be okay so right now this is all I have to offer. A process, and a glimpse into my mess that I know God is going to use for his glory some how and im okay with that.

If you follow me on social media then you know I have spurts of consistency posting and then I dissappear. The above or something similar is usually happening and im working through it.

Right now I pray a lot, do yoga, listen to a lot of td jakes podcasts and sermons, praise and worship, focus on better eating habits for my body and not push myself to figure out stuff mentally I can’t deal with (if it ain’t easy I ain’t doing it, less stress).

Yep right now this is me. I wish I was who I use to be but im not and its very sad to me but I would like to think that I am being remade into who God needs me to be for where he is taking me and that kinda helps me feel better.

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