Man if I could tell my younger self about me right now my younger self would be speechless.
In all honesty I’m at a loss for words when I think about myself. Y’all I’ve had hard times where I thought I was broken, but I’ve never been in a place where I couldn’t recognize myself enough to put the pieces back together.
Truth is I’ve dealt with so many emotionally traumatic events within the past 5-6 years I’m surprised its taken this long for me to crack up a little. I remember the day I realized how trifling people are and the extent they would go to make sure I was disliked. At the same time dealing with marital issues (thank God that’s getting better), having complete fall outs with family that cut so deep I was thrown into therapy. Having financial struggles, and now my body is doing its own thing. Y’all, I’ve always had a moniker of strength and a little bit of hope that I would be okay, but this time is different.
Stress is a Wrecking ball
After taking mental, emotional, and spiritual beatings for years my body is starting to tell the story and I can’t help but to feel shame and sadness. We often hear that stress is a silent killer and boy is it a wrecking ball over here. I never thought that I would be dealing with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks so frequent that it would cause a major shift in who I am and who I identify as.
I’m no longer strong enough. I can’t take on the world, nor do I want to, to be honest. Let’s be clear the world we live in is terrifying right now. It’s literally the bible in living color, which doesn’t help. (listen, I know I’m a saved sanctified Christian, and I know the Bible says we will have days like this, but honey its a crazy thing to bare witness up close and personal and realize nothing’s going change it and its going to get worst)
God Use this mess
I haven’t written in a while because I’m going through it right now and I haven’t come out on the other side yet, so I don’t have a solution. Here, when I share, I like to provide you with solutions to issues but this time I don’t have one. Throughout this process I am learning that it’s okay to share and not be okay. Right now this is all I have to offer. A process. A glimpse into my mess that I know God is going to use for his glory some how and I’m okay with that.
If you follow me on social media then you know I have spurts of consistency posting and then I disappear. The above or something similar is usually happening and I’m working through it.
Giving it to God
Right now I pray a lot, do yoga, listen to a lot of TD Jakes podcasts and sermons, praise and worship, focus on better eating habits for my body, and not push myself to figure out stuff mentally I can’t deal with. (if it ain’t easy I ain’t doing it, less stress).
Yep, right now this is me. I wish I was who I use to be, but I’m not, and its very sad to me. I would like to think that I am being remade into who God needs me to be for where he is taking me. Remembering that helps me feel better.
Elle Dove 