So far I’m Not Impressed: Expectation vs. Reality

Can we have a convo? Just a plain ole convo,  person to person. Admittedly I have a hard time opening up but I keep hearing one phrase over and over again, “Your story is not your own”.
As of late I have experienced some major changes regarding my health, marriage, and business. These were changes that where honestly hard to deal with. Being the strong minded stand alone individual I was, and trust me I was a loner for a long time I’m the  Me, myself, and I type, as long as I have my immediates’ (family) type.

I just found people to be “people” in every sense of the word and I was not here for the foolishness that “people” came with and honestly I was fine being that way. Until one day I felt my isolation, I felt every burden, I felt every negative comment, and most of all I felt the disappointment in myself, a constant underwhelm with life, and then brokenness.  This all had to change, and it did because even though people are still people I found a few good ones outside of my immediates’ that I would do anything for and vice versa (I know you’re reading this, I love you btw), I now have a therapist, and I’m learning to stop “pretending” I’m okay when I’m not. Side note: if you see me in person and we speak don’t pay attention to my facial expressions my first instinct is never eloquent, the song “Witten all over your face”, was meant for me I promise. Just listen to what I’m saying in response to you and let it be that, I say everything with love and honesty, thanks in advance lol.

So lets get into that last part about pretending to be okay.
I pretend for a number of reasons, I didn’t want to hurt someones feelings, I truly wanted to be okay with who I was and I was honestly putting up a front. Everyone reading this can relate especially to the last part, but how does that tie in to me not being impressed with myself? Reference example number 2, I made it look fancy for you. Got it. Great, I knew you were my people.

See being okay with who you are FOR ME, means true acceptance of my past and solid understanding and celebration of where I am currently.  At some point I realized that I was just going through the motions of life and watching others live life, comparison with a touch of envy set in. Comparison is the ABSOLUTE  death of self acknowledgement  and celebration. Even while I was excelling I was so busy looking around at other people that I couldn’t see my own little light shining, I couldn’t accept compliments, I couldn’t be secure in my own artistry, I’m a plus size clothing designer my brand is  Lorenza James by Elle Dove for those of you who are new here, Hi Hello.

How did I brake the cycle? I did two things. First I stopped following people who I came to envy. Its not that I was hating I just needed to put my blockers back on so I could begin to center myself and stop comparing myself. I want to be very clear, IT IS OKAY TO UNFOLLOW PEOPLE IN THE NAME OF YOUR OWN SANITY AND ADVANCEMENT UNTIL YOU GET TO A PLACE WHERE SEEING THEM ADVANCE IN LIFE DOESN’T HINDER YOUR PROGRESS. AGAIN ITS OKAY.  Some people I still don’t follow to this day buttttt I am in a place where I can celebrate their accomplishments.
Second, and this is the harder one, I try to acknowledge my accomplishments.
This is still a work in progress and I still have a hard time talking about myself because it feels boastful. I really do feel like I didn’t do it alone there is a full support system that I give credit to for how far I’ve come and the main part is God. What I have recently realized is that When I pray, especially when I’m praying over my business I ask God to bless the work of my hands, bring the right people to me, allow me to be a light and show love in everything I do, I realized that I asked for all of these things but never took the time to acknowledge that God has blessed me with those things and more. For example both of my best friends and my hubby love to talk and are amazing at closing deals, getting features, etc and right now that’s not me but I my craftsmanship and spirit take it home, and that is the balance. 

While I understand this to be balance now, I use to view it as a weakness and any acknowledgment I got that I did not work on from start to finish was negative and I did not deserve any credit (I was cuckoo for coco puffs I know, but thank God for revelation and change), which left me feeling unimpressed with myself.
Now that I have the understanding that any weak area I have God balances it out, I am now working on celebrating my accomplishments. Its really sad that every time I hit a milestone I don’t really “feel” anything and better yet I push past it without acknowledging it fully and that’s because I’m not really impressed. I honestly thought I would be further along in life and business and when I didn’t reach my big house, banging design house, national and some global notary, perfect family, handsome husband and at least two kids with a bangin’ socially acceptable girlish figure, before I turned 30 I was distraught and kinda didn’t care because any accomplishment that wasn’t any of the latter mentioned just wasn’t good enough. That’s not to say I wasn’t happy when I achieved somethings I just quickly fell into a meh type of vibe. I’m working on changing that mindset and trust me it is a moment to moment work in progress.

Shall we move on to what I’m currently doing to change my view on my life and the things I have accomplished?

Well like Nike said ” Just do it”. In addition to diving into my faith to see what God has to say about me like ” I am the head and not the tail and his grace is made perfect in my weakness…”  I also began morning self reflection with meditation especially after I reach a goal. Finally I have made sure to add inspirational/ motivational videos and pod cast to my daily morning routine. My favorites right now are Eric Thomas and Evan Carmichale. Adding these things to my daily routine keeps me encouraged, mindful of where I am in life and reminds me to believe in myself.

So while I still remain unimpressed with my successes I do acknowledge the awesomeness that I have accomplished so far and I am working on letting go of the expectation of where I thought my life would be. I also attribute a lot to my humble nature and that means more to me than anything.

Until Next time friends.

Find a muse. Be a muse.

Xoxo

Elle- The Melanin Muses

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3 Comments

  1. This was a great peek into the window that is Elle. Thanks for your transparency! Please celebrate tour milestones & accomplishments more! You may not be exactly where you want to be (shoot, many of us aren’t), but you have come pretty darn far and that deserves an acknowledgment!
    See you at the top, suh!

    Like

  2. Your story is so real, we all deal with a lot and over the years I have watched you grow and blossom into this beautiful, talented, God fearing young woman. You dont have to be impressed but dont be mad if we are.

    Like

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